


Where the Wild Things Are (Slower, slower, we don't have time for that)

by unoriginalrhombus



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-06
Updated: 2013-05-06
Packaged: 2017-12-10 13:20:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/786473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unoriginalrhombus/pseuds/unoriginalrhombus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Arizona had never felt more in-between than she had in that moment. She was caught between sobriety and intoxication, a body and a door, what was right and what was wanted. But God forgive her for her hesitation and curiosity, for allowing that moment to become a moment." Spoilers for 8x13. My 'What if Callie had married Owen and didn't meet Arizona until later in life'</p>
            </blockquote>





	Where the Wild Things Are (Slower, slower, we don't have time for that)

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Hey guys! I was going through my things and found this. It was written after that episode of Grey's Anatomy, "If/Then". Basically, this is what would have happened if Callie married Owen and had children, and then Arizona came later in the years. The song is Pursuit of Happiness by Kid Cudi. Please read and review!
> 
> Spoilers: Slight spoilers for Season 8 episode 13
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy. I am not Shonda. I make no profit off of this!

" _People told me slow my roll, I'm screaming out, fuck that. Imma do just what I want, Lookin' ahead no turnin' back."_

The first time it happened, Arizona was surprised.

She had always had her suspicions, her desires, but she had never really considered it as an actual option. She never really believed that it could happen.

And still, it did.

Arizona had never felt more in-between than she had in that moment. She was caught between sobriety and intoxication, a body and a door, what was right and what was wanted. But God forgive her for her hesitation and curiosity, for allowing that moment to become a  _moment_.

She kept telling herself that she never saw it coming, that she never expected Callie to be gay (let alone interested). But it was a lie and it was that lie that spoke the loudest. Because the truth was that Arizona had always had a sort-of feeling in regards to Callie. The truth was that she wasn't surprised because Callie kissed her; she was surprised that Callie had the courage to actually go through with it.

But courage was a fleeting sort of thing and Arizona had her doubts that Callie would be able to scrounge it up again.

So instead she let the moment linger, she took in Callie's lips and the moment. She let Callie lead the way without any sort of protest from Arizona, and when the moment was over, Arizona held that moment as closely as she could to her heart without giving the moment any power.

After all, Callie was a married woman and Arizona? Well, Arizona was just Arizona. She was nothing more and nothing less and she didn't have anything to offer that could balance the scales in her favor.

Well, not yet anyway.

* * *

The second time it happened, Arizona had had her suspicions.

It had been such a long time since Callie had actually kissed her that Arizona was starting to believe she made the whole thing up. There had been kids birthday parties, girls nights out, shared lunches, late night phone calls, and only one kiss.

This time though Arizona was a little less drunk and a lot more curious. She remembered more and imagined less. She felt the moment before she felt the kiss, but it didn't matter because she finally felt a bit of everything. This kiss was cleaner than the first but also harder. The kiss was reaffirming in its qualities. It was soft but it weighed heavy, in its actions and its consequences.

The thing about it though is that it didn't matter how much clarity Arizona possessed because her actions would have still been the same. While she had values and morals, she also—for a moment—had Callie, and for some reason that was worth sacrificing her sense of self.

She was motivated by opportunity but persuaded by presence.

She was convinced through kisses that were heady and intoxicating in their mildness.

She was pushed to fall, and so she did.

* * *

" _I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know, Everything that shine ain't always gonna be gold. I'll be fine, once I get it, I'll be good."_

The third time it happened, Arizona had craved it, pushed for it even.

The third time it happened, Arizona had no room to be surprised because she was the one who had initiated it. She was a lot more responsible this time because she was a lot more sober.

Arizona couldn't quite place when she had stopped waiting for it to happen, for Callie to make a move, and when she started pushing for it.

She couldn't recall when she stopped being Arizona Robbins and started being *this* girl. She didn't know when she became the girl who lived and breathed off of someone else, a married someone else.

To be honest, Arizona didn't know when this situation stopped feeling wrong because lately whenever she thought about Callie, everything only felt right. It was hard to justify it to herself, it was hard to make cheating sound okay. Hell, it was hard to make it look okay.

But maybe it wasn't. Maybe it never was. Maybe she never was.

She could place blame; she could tell others that doing such a thing was wrong. But at the end of the day Arizona's world ended and started with Callie's kiss. She couldn't justify it. She couldn't make it better.

She couldn't let her go.

Honestly, there were women Arizona could have. There was Colleen and Nancy and then there was this. Arizona couldn't—no, she wouldn't—stop herself from having these moments because those stolen kisses, they were bigger than marriage and obligation. They meant more to her and all of a sudden Arizona wanted to indulge, she wanted to taste and she wanted to touch.

But most of all she just wanted to  _take_.

So for once in her short time at Seattle Grace, she took it. She stole a kiss, a moment, and a memory.

She stole a lifetime.

And it was perfect.

* * *

" _Tell me what you know about dreamin' (dreamin'). You don't really know about nothin' (nothin'). Tell me what you know about them night terrors, every night, 5 a.m, cold sweats wakin' up, to the sky."_

Arizona couldn't sleep.

She really didn't know why. There were no thoughts of her brother, images of tiny coffins, or cases traveling through her mind. There was just anxiousness and this dull panic surrounding her heart.

Normally, Arizona had an unusual amount of problems when it came to sleep. Most people assumed that her nightmares started back when she started experiencing the images of little coffins. But that wasn't true. She had one coffin, a bigger one that she dreamed about long before that.

The tiny coffins only made the dreams worse, more intense, but Arizona believed that the dreams were always there barely underneath the surface, whispering words of wisdom and fear.

Tonight there wasn't any of that, there was just her thoughts and the silence. Thoughts of Callie, of whether she made a mistake. Thoughts and images of Callie leaving Owen for her which she shouldn't have been imagining, she shouldn't have even been thinking about it.

But she was.

Because it isn't fear that transforms people and pushes them to do things they normally wouldn't, it's silence and it's darkness and it's the night. It's that moment when you're all alone in your bed-caught somewhere inbetween reality and imagination-and you let your mind wander. When you let yourself believe that you can have everything you've ever wanted.

She sighed as she looked at her phone again for what was probably the fifteenth time in the past five minutes. Arizona was becoming more and more easily irritated as the days wore on and lately the sole cause of her irritation seemed to be time and how it was never working in her favor. It dragged on slowly (but surely), every minute a constant reminder of the text messages she sent to Calliope that were going unanswered.

She really, really hated time right now.

It had been two days since Arizona had decided to take what should have already been hers. It was a rash decision and normally Arizona wouldn't do such a thing, especially at such a place (to such a woman). But she was drowning here, she was drowning and in that moment she had hoped that kiss would save her. In a way it kind of did. There were no more excuses, there was no alcohol to blame, there was no pretending like it didn't happen.

There were only memories and this strange ache that surrounded her heart and this never ending silence.

Arizona had learned over time that silence could stand for a variety of different things. While silence was universal in the same way that smiles and waves were, it was different in the sense that those things had one meaning. Sure, silence was universal, but it could stand for compliance, anger, confusion, fear, and regret.

The only problem was that while Arizona was sure she didn't regret it, she was starting to worry that Callie did. The problem with the truth being out in the open was that Callie didn't have any excuses to hide behind. She could only face the situation and choose where to go from there.

What if Callie didn't choose her?

She had always been headstrong and unwavering with her morals and sense of self. But lately everything was kind of topsy –turvy. There was the world that she saw before this. The world that was simple with its meanings and its categories. Everything had a specific place; it was black and white, right and wrong. But now everything was just in these weird shades of grey.

Her life was fading in and out into different forms of static and she wasn't sure what she could do about it anymore.

* * *

" _Tell me what you know about dreams, dreams. Tell me what you know about night terrors, nothin'. You don't really care about the trials of tomorrow. Rather lay awake in a bed full of sorrow."_

"Sooo," Teddy drawled on. "You just kissed her? A married woman?"

Arizona stopped herself from bombarding Teddy with unneccesary information. But she also didn't want to lie to her best friend. "Kind-of? Maybe. Yes? It's complicated."

Teddy didn't appear to be placated. "Maybe?!" Teddy looked around to make sure there were no nurses around and leaned in closer to Arizona. "Arizona, you either kissed her or you didn't. There is no maybe."

"I know, okay? I did kiss her, it's just...technically she kissed me first."

Teddy pulled her head back in shock. "What?!"

"Jeez, don't act like it's impossible." Arizona replied defensively.

Teddy rolled her eyes. Sometimes Arizona was dense about the simplest things. "She's married."

"I know." Arizona waved her hands dismissively, as if Teddy was stating the obvious. Which she was, because there wasn't a moment that passed by where Arizona didn't know or think of Callie's marital status.

"To the Chief."

"I  _know_." Arizona dropped her voice as she annunciated the end of her response. She didn't need the third degree right now, she just needed Teddy to be there and make sense out of whatever this is.

Teddy nodded her head. She began to busy herself with the chart she had been doing before Arizona had come to her in a panic. There was no use in beating a senseless drum, anyway. People were going to do what they wanted to do, even if it was something terrible. She wasn't meant to be Arizona's mother either (Arizona was a grown woman), Teddy was just there to be a best friend.

"When?" Teddy started. "Did she...you know?"

Arizona bit her lip. She was hesitant to answer her best friends question because she didn't want Teddy to know that Arizona had been lying to her. Teddy had been her friend since before Arizon had ever even transferred to Seattle Grace. They had met at a fundraiser years ago and had always managed to keep in touch. So when Teddy told Arizona about an opening in their Pediatrics department, Arizona had barely hesitated to apply. She had been up for a change, anyway.

"Um, it was a few months ago."

Teddy looked understandably shocked. Her forehead creased in confusion and the corners of her eyes crinkled. Her eyes took on a darker hue and her body language just screamed irritated. "What?!"

Arizona put her hands up in defense. "I'm sorry, okay? I didn't know how to tell you!"

"Uh, you take me to breakfast and then break the news to me somewhere inbetween pancakes and the scrambled eggs. Like any good best friend would do."

"Teddy..." Arizona trailed off. She had never intentionally meant to shut Teddy out, she had just been so concerned with herself and with Callie that she had forgotten that life goes on. And if you're not ready, you won't go with it.

Teddy shook her head. "It's over, done with it. Forget about it. Just...what are you going to do now?"

Arizona shrugged helplessly. "I don't know. She hasn't spoken to me since."

"Look, Arizona. You already know that I don't agree with cheating or breaking up marriages, otherwise..." Teddy couldn't finish her sentence. True or not, some things are just better left unsaid. "Anyway, this isn't about that. You're my best friend, okay? I love you and I want you to be happy, and if this is it...well, then, there's something you should know."

"What?"

Teddy looked around again to make sure all their employees were busy doing other things. She wasn't a fan of gossiping where others could hear it. However, she wasn't sure if it was gossiping when it was  _true_.

"Owen...he, uh, he's sleeping with Yang."

"What?!" Arizona brushed her hair back with her hand and started rubbing her neck. She wasn't entirely sure what to do with this information, but it made her anxious. This whole situation gave her anxiety.

Teddy sighed, hesitant to give out too much information. Information that wasn't there's to give. "I caught them once. I was looking for a place where I could just  _breathe_ without someone watching my every move. So I went into the boiler room and...they were there. Doing things." Teddy leaned with her eyebrows raised, as if she was spilling the hugest secret on earth. "Dirty things."

Arizona felt the room start to spin and decided to grab on to the nurses desk. "What...what do I do?"

Teddy shrugged. She grabbed her chart and began the process of walking away. "That's up to you. But the Arizona I know wouldn't just let someone ignore them."

Arizona nodded in agreement as Teddy walked away. She was right. Arizona had been letting things slide since she had arrived at Seattle Grace. She had let her world be turned upside down and right-side-up and all around while Callie got to be in control of everything. It wasn't fair. Arizona deserved answers.

She deserved love.

* * *

Arizona continued to be anxious throughout the day. Not a frightened anxious, it just felt like she was in "fight or flight" mode all day long. It wasn't until she was waiting outside the hospitals daycare that her nerves started to calm. Maybe it was because she was finally getting a solution (good or bad, at least it was an ending).

She continued to wait until she saw a similar figure push out of the room, her children in tow. Arizona took a deep breathe, it was now or never.

She liked to believe that when people grew old their life would be remembered in moments. Moments that were significant, special, and so serenely  _theirs._  Arizona wanted this to be her moment. She wanted this to be the first of a long line of times that would be  _hers_  and solely hers.

"Calliope."

Callie sprung around frightened. "Jesus, Arizona."

"Sorry, I didn't mean to frighten you, I just, this is the only time I could think of to get you alone."

"Why would you want that, Arizona?"

Arizona pushed her hands into her pockets. "You know why."

Callie looked down at her children before looking away. She seemed to be struggling with something but couldn't say what. That was always the problem, Callie couldn't ever say anything. Finally Callie seemed to make a decision and took a few steps towards Arizona while simultaneously putting some distance inbetween herself and her kids. "Arizona, please stop. I can't handle this right now."

Arizona's face crumpled as if she was in physical pain. She pulled her hands out in frustration. "You can't handle this? Calliope, you make me want to rip my hair out. You can't go kissing people in bar bathrooms and then ignore them when it's the light of day, life doesn't work like that."

Callie shook her head. Now that she was standing closer, Arizona could see just how tired Callie looked. There were dark circles under her eyes, she barely bothered with makeup, her hair was matted. She looked like an all around mess. "Please, I'm begging you not to do this right now. I just need some more time, okay?"

Arizona felt like she was nearing the end of her rope in this conversation. "Calliope, this isn't easy for me, you have to know that. But I can't keep giving you more time. I'm too invested in..." Arizona trailed off, worried if she should continue. She remembered Teddy's words and pushed on. She gestured inbetween Callie and herself. "I'm too invested in what we could be, what we are."

"Arizona,  _please_."

Arizona shook her head. "No. I'm not going to give you more time to ignore me and pretend like this isn't happening, pretend like you're not unhappy with Owen. Even though it's clear that he's-" Arizona stopped abruptly. She had almost given too much away. But if she was going to win Callie over, she was going to win her without cheating. She was going to win Callie with love. "He's not what makes you happy, okay? And it isn't fair for you to just put me in here in this position and then make all of the rules. I want things too, ya know? I want  _you_.

Callie turned towards her children but seemed to think better of it. She swung back around to Arizona with such force that Arizona wasn't sure if Callie was going to hit her or cry. Either way, it was clear that Arizona had struck a nerve.

"Fair, Arizona? You wanna talk about fair? I never asked you to show up and show me how my life was a sham, I never asked you to prove that I was unhappy. I was perfectly okay with trudging along because at least then my kids would have a dad and a family and love. But then you came along and started changing things and changing me and you let me kiss you! You let me kiss you and I couldn't hate you more for that, I couldn't hate  _myself_  more for that. It changed everything, it turned my world upside down. It's like I've been falling down the rabbit hole and I don't know how to stop falling. And what's worse? I don't want to. You changed me and  _that_  isn't fair." Callie finished, tears in the corner of her eyes.

"Tell me, Arizona, if you can fix all of  _that_. Not to mention the fact that I have children. Children who will need their father. And what happens if it doesn't work out, huh? If I put them through all of this, if I give myself to you and you break my heart?"

Arizona gaped at Callie, no real words on her tongue. She still felt too ambushed by words to speak. Callie was asking for answers in the same way that Arizona was doing earlier. Except they were different answers, answers Arizona couldn't give, answers she could only experience. The point of it all seemed so bleak. Destroy a marriage to maybe find out if Arizona and Callie were meant to be together all along? Or pretend like she was okay with Callie being Owen's?

In the end, Arizona think love won. She thought that love should always win.

"Whatever, Arizona, I have to go. Wifely duties to uphold and all."

Arizona finally snapped out of her daze. She grabbed Callie's arm to prevent her from leaving. "Wait, Calliope. Wait! Okay, look, I can't promise you anything, okay? And I'm sorry because I know that's what you want. I want the same thing. But, Calliope, I also want to think of life as one epic love story. I want to believe that we're all just trudging along until we find  _something_  that changes everything, and it's in that moment that we realize life is worth it, it was all worth it. I believe that you're my something, okay? I've barely been able to breathe without you and it's terrifying but it feels like love. I know it's selfish, but please,  _please_ , just try to let me love you."

Callie licked her lips. She shook her head a couple a times before she finally sighed. "And how would you propose I do that?"

Arizona grinned. She let go of Callie's arm and held out her hand. "How about you let me take you and your kids for some cocoa."

Callie bit her lips. "You're kind-of a grand gesture girl, aren't you?"

"Only when it comes to things that I love."

Callie rolled her eyes. She grabbed Arizona's hand and intertwined their fingers. "Okay. Let's go get that cocoa."

Arizona smiled at Callie. Everything was still uncertain but it felt like all this time, everything she had been preparing for...it was all just so she could get a chance to prove to herself (and Callie) that this is where they were always meant to end up. All she needed was an opportunity.

"Let's."

* * *

The fourth time it happens, Arizona was anxiously awaiting it (but not entirely expecting it). She's filled herself with delicious cocoa, spent over two hours playing around with adorable kids, and she just genuinely feels happy.

She's walking Calliope back to her home when said girl just stops, grabs Arizona by the shoulders, and kisses her with so much force that Arizona felt like her head was going to fall off.

It didn't matter how she responded because as quickly as it had started, it ended. What was that for?

Calie shrugged. "I know that I'm technically still married and I know it's going to be a while before I'm not. I just wanted an official first kiss that both of us would remember."

Arizona nodded as if she understood, even though she really didn't.

(It isn't until years later when the kids are older and Callie's contemplating having another one. One that'll look a lot more like Arizona and less like Owen, that Arizona finally gets it. She's sitting on the couch telling her nearly preteen children how mommy and momma realized they were in love, when it hits her that she didn't really know all that time she was chasing Callie. She didn't have a circumstance where they were both sober enough to evaluate their feelings.

Well, they didn't have one until Callie created it on that sidewalk.

It's that story that Arizona tells the kids.

It's that moment she chooses to remember.

And it's  _perfect_.)


End file.
